Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Dear Diary.

Hello beautiful blog.

I've really missed writing to you.

I was meant to have a meeting this morning but it was cancelled last minute and although there is other work I could be doing I felt drawn into writing this letter to you.

I've never been much of a 'Dear Diary' kind of person but today feels different and it's been so long that I've written for you that I feel like I need to write to you to mend all the broken planks in the bridge between you and me.

The last few months have been rather busy for me. I went to New Zealand (as you know) and had the most memorable time of my life but upon coming home I was hit with a hurricane of work, decisions, anxiety and confusion. My photography work increased and my business needed me to reprioritise how I spend my time. I was booking more weddings and taking on more side jobs here and there. Things were going really well and I although I didn't see you much I knew our time apart would only be short lived while I sorted myself out.

Turns out I was wrong about that.

You'll be happy to know though that I finally quit my day job (!!). I'm now a full-time creative. I'm running my own business, doing freelance work on the side and enjoying a little bit of extra time. But to be honest with you it scares the **** out of me. It's my second week as a freelance creative and I'm doing little jobs all over the place and I have no clue where my time goes. Shooting, editing, social media planning, writing - it's all a flurry and the planner in my brain is going mental. It's all good news though, I know that. I needed to leave my job and focus on my business. It was a decision that needed to be made eventually and while ripping off the bandaid was hard, I am so glad I did it.

People have been so kind too. They've been so supportive and generous and loving. But a part of me feels like I don't deserve the praise they give me. I'm not that special am I? I also feel like they don't see the internal struggles I go through with the decision I've made. I no longer have stability and with that I've lost a little bit of hope for myself, and without hope I feel blind when I set out on my journey each day.

I guess my decision to be a full time creative has opened me up to all my vulnerabilities. They are laying flat out on the table so whenever I wake up there they are looking up at me, taunting me, lying to me. They tell me I'm not good enough, that the other photographer who is younger than me is doing far better than I ever did at that age, that this other photographer is being more creative than me, that my work isn't as good as it used to be, that I'm not pushing myself or problem solving enough or living up to my potential. Sometimes I scream and tell them to shut up. Sometimes I let them talk and I soak it all in.

Part of what they say is true though. I haven't felt as creative as I used to. I haven't felt as inspired and motivated and determined...

and I think part of the reason for that is you.

Now before you go telling me off for shifting the blame of my problems on you, hear me out. Blogging was something I loved. It was the thing I could come home to after a long days work and not have to feel like I was working. You were my release, my friend, my love. You were the place where I expressed myself and let my creative juices flow out of me. You gave my life colour. Lately though, after a long day of shooting or editing, the last thing I want to do is come home to a computer screen and look at more photos. My head is tired and my body is sore and, although I missed you terribly, I couldn't bring myself to write.

I tried a couple of times but I could barely get out a couple of sentences. It was a struggle and I felt like I had betrayed you.

But here I am now in hopes I can regain my strength. I've already written so much to you and even though it may not make sense to you or anyone else reading this, I don't really care because this is a victory for me.

I want to feel like a creative again rather than just calling myself one. I want to be creating new and exciting things rather than just copying what I've done in the past. I want to feel new and alive each day. I want to go out into the world excited and inspired.

And I want you to be there with me, my friend, my love.

You inspire me. You help me achieve greatness. You are my drug, my release, my cure.

So please forgive my recent absence. I am here now and I hope you know you were never forgotten

Your friend,

Samantha x

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

Remember when?

Remember when I used to blog three times a week. too

i miss this space. i hope to be back soon.
will you still be here for me?

Friday, 4 September 2015

Time is a flat circle

Time is a flat circle,
A constant cycle,
A river flowing back and forth.

I feel this phrase is meant to be taken negatively. The mistakes of the past will undoubtedly be the same mistakes of the future. History repeats itself time and time again.

But why does this saying always have to have a negative connotation surrounding it.

Time and time again I am amazed by the beautiful and wonderful things humans are doing in the world. We are constantly creating life, we are standing up for what's right and saying no to what's wrong, we're developing medicines and curing diseases, we're being more accepting of minorities and we're advancing the world in remarkable and crazy ways - all of which are things we've done before. And while there is so much more we as a race can do, I feel like we have achieved and are continuing to achieve so much. History is repeating itself in a good way.

The same idea goes for my personal life too. I feel like I worry too much about the past repeating itself but what I fail to realise is that the past repeating itself includes all the good memories and all the good times too.

I think it's so easy to focus on all the negative moments in ones life. I'm the kind of person when something great is happening I assume something bad is just around the corner waiting to ruin things for me. Sometimes this is true and sometimes it's not but I think there's a definite problem in expecting negative situations to be waiting for you. Perhaps it should be the other way around, perhaps when I am struggling or going through a tough situation I should be expecting good to be waiting for me, for hugs and kisses, and flowers and love, and time off and stress-free days. A lot of the time these things happen so why am I so slow to expect them to happen over and over again?

New Zealand was one of those trips I initially expected to be worse than what it was. I thought I would fight with Stephen more, that I would go into total control-freak overdrive, that I wouldn't let myself have fun because I was so worried about having fun (go figure!). But as history has proven, holidays and time away from work and stress are actually good for the soul and I needn't had worried at all.

Time went so slowly in New Zealand. Every time I would look down to the wooden watch upon my wrist, I would expect for a few hours to have gone by but strangely enough it was always only several minutes or so. The watch was ticking perfectly, it was only the experiences of life that were taking its time. I allowed myself to appreciate the beauty before me which is not something I often do. I allowed myself to live without having to check my phone every two seconds or checking into Facebook or bombarding my Instagram with five photos a day (one was enough ;) ). I didn't let time dictate my life, I let it guide me instead. I used it as a tool to appreciate more around me in the time I had rather than waiting for negative situations to arise.

I realised time to be a beautiful part of our lives, a part we so often take for granted. I think we are too quick to accuse time for being the source of all our problems when in fact it provides us with so much good and so much opportunity for greatness.

Time keeps ticking. It clicks over when we sleep, it leaves the bad behind us and allows us to wake up with a fresh slate to try and repeat the good of the past.

History repeats itself and you know what? I'm looking forward to every minute of it.
The watch featured in this post was kindly gifted by Jord. Their watches breathe creativity and honesty. You feel the heart that has gone into making each piece and I felt free and natural when wearing it. Go have a look at their latest range here or if you like what I'm wearing then click here to get the same one and we can be matching ;)