Thursday, 3 March 2016

Coconut lattes and late night ponderings


Dunedin, New Zealand

3rd March 2016


I'm sitting here drinking my coconut latte in a cosy, yet slightly unfurnished, apartment thinking about all the things I want to do with my life.

...and I mean all the things.

It's been a while since I've had the opportunity to really have some me-time and think about anything really. Back in Sydney it's been non-stop. Back to back weddings, client meetings, errand running, etc. etc. It never ended and I'm sure once I touch down on Sunday night it will all go back to the way it was.

Right now though, in this current moment, I am feeling so calm and happy. Time moves slowly here and that's possibly due to the fact I have no commitments or ties holding me down but regardless, I am very aware of New Zealand's slow pace and I am loving every single moment of it. I'm loving the community here, the sense of family, the space I have to breathe. It's warming my soul.

It makes me believe that a simple life is possible, that it doesn't have to be all that hard, not really anyway. But maybe I have holiday brain and am being super delusional.

I'm not sure.

I'm also in one of those moods that makes me want to book tickets to all my dream holiday destinations.

....if only.

Thursday, 31 December 2015

Years end.

Here we are.

The day before time celebrates its birthday. The end of a year and the beginning of another.

I can't even begin to explain how fast this year has flown. I know we all say this every year but I really, truly mean it this time. 2015 came and went in a heart beat and although I accomplished so many things and went through so many trials, it still feels like it is February and I'm shooting my first wedding of the year.

To be honest with you, I don't know how this year happened. I don't know how I got by. Nothing is black and white anymore and while a big part of me is thrilled about that, a bigger part of me is anxious beyond compare. My path isn't clear. My weeks are random. My income is sporadic. My time is jumbled. My mind is all over the place.

I've spent the last week housesitting our good friends home. I used this time to take a break from my work and from civilisation. I've been sleeping in till midday (something I haven't done all year) and walking around the house aimlessly cleaning, singing and dancing. It has been wonderful. My brain has turned to mush and I can't think straight but it is exactly what I need right now. This year has been chaotic and busy and my body has become sore. This little 'staycation' has been the perfect treatment to the busy year that was.

and now, somehow, we are at years end and it's that time where we all sit and reflect and work out what we want to change in ourselves. I obviously have the basics: stop eating so much sugar, start doing yoga, organise my time better, go to church more, etc etc....but on top of all this I feel my biggest resolution is the one thing that will help me accomplish all other resolutions.

My 2016 resolution is to be BRAVE - To have courage to take risks and leaps of faith. To not be afraid of being myself or making mistakes. To pick myself up when I fail and get right back on the horse and push forward. To not second guess myself. To fight and not flee.

Its simple and vague and but I honestly believe courage will help my creativity and will help me be a happier person in the new year. For too long I've been scared of the world, of their thoughts and opinions and judgments. It's about time I stand up for myself and push myself to be happier and greater and more me! *cue inspirational music*

So on that note, heres to a Happy New Year to all of you! May 2016 grant you the courage to push through your fears to achieve your goals.


What are your resolutions for the new year? Maybe I can adopt some as my own?

p.s. I also want to say a quick thank you for any of you who keep coming back to read this blog of mine. I really do love you all and it's wonderful knowing I have friends who understand and support me all over the world. You are seriously too good and I thank you for putting up with my constant ramblings :)

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Dear Diary.

Hello beautiful blog.

I've really missed writing to you.

I was meant to have a meeting this morning but it was cancelled last minute and although there is other work I could be doing I felt drawn into writing this letter to you.

I've never been much of a 'Dear Diary' kind of person but today feels different and it's been so long that I've written for you that I feel like I need to write to you to mend all the broken planks in the bridge between you and me.

The last few months have been rather busy for me. I went to New Zealand (as you know) and had the most memorable time of my life but upon coming home I was hit with a hurricane of work, decisions, anxiety and confusion. My photography work increased and my business needed me to reprioritise how I spend my time. I was booking more weddings and taking on more side jobs here and there. Things were going really well and I although I didn't see you much I knew our time apart would only be short lived while I sorted myself out.

Turns out I was wrong about that.

You'll be happy to know though that I finally quit my day job (!!). I'm now a full-time creative. I'm running my own business, doing freelance work on the side and enjoying a little bit of extra time. But to be honest with you it scares the **** out of me. It's my second week as a freelance creative and I'm doing little jobs all over the place and I have no clue where my time goes. Shooting, editing, social media planning, writing - it's all a flurry and the planner in my brain is going mental. It's all good news though, I know that. I needed to leave my job and focus on my business. It was a decision that needed to be made eventually and while ripping off the bandaid was hard, I am so glad I did it.

People have been so kind too. They've been so supportive and generous and loving. But a part of me feels like I don't deserve the praise they give me. I'm not that special am I? I also feel like they don't see the internal struggles I go through with the decision I've made. I no longer have stability and with that I've lost a little bit of hope for myself, and without hope I feel blind when I set out on my journey each day.

I guess my decision to be a full time creative has opened me up to all my vulnerabilities. They are laying flat out on the table so whenever I wake up there they are looking up at me, taunting me, lying to me. They tell me I'm not good enough, that the other photographer who is younger than me is doing far better than I ever did at that age, that this other photographer is being more creative than me, that my work isn't as good as it used to be, that I'm not pushing myself or problem solving enough or living up to my potential. Sometimes I scream and tell them to shut up. Sometimes I let them talk and I soak it all in.

Part of what they say is true though. I haven't felt as creative as I used to. I haven't felt as inspired and motivated and determined...

and I think part of the reason for that is you.

Now before you go telling me off for shifting the blame of my problems on you, hear me out. Blogging was something I loved. It was the thing I could come home to after a long days work and not have to feel like I was working. You were my release, my friend, my love. You were the place where I expressed myself and let my creative juices flow out of me. You gave my life colour. Lately though, after a long day of shooting or editing, the last thing I want to do is come home to a computer screen and look at more photos. My head is tired and my body is sore and, although I missed you terribly, I couldn't bring myself to write.

I tried a couple of times but I could barely get out a couple of sentences. It was a struggle and I felt like I had betrayed you.

But here I am now in hopes I can regain my strength. I've already written so much to you and even though it may not make sense to you or anyone else reading this, I don't really care because this is a victory for me.

I want to feel like a creative again rather than just calling myself one. I want to be creating new and exciting things rather than just copying what I've done in the past. I want to feel new and alive each day. I want to go out into the world excited and inspired.

And I want you to be there with me, my friend, my love.

You inspire me. You help me achieve greatness. You are my drug, my release, my cure.

So please forgive my recent absence. I am here now and I hope you know you were never forgotten

Your friend,

Samantha x