You know those moments when life is kind of sailing along and things seem good, great perhaps, and you're comfortable. Life isn't perfect, but it's okay and you're happy with that.
That was me, early last week. I had problems, sure, but generally I was okay.
But then, unforeseen by me, the ride I was on went from its steady incline and took a twisted turn down into an unexpected, steep descent. I fell steeply into an unknown illness that caused my body to rock and my mind to shut down into a state of fear. I was sore, I was emotional, and I was at a loss for words as to why this was suddenly happening to me.
No one can prepare you for the events that unfold when your ride takes a sudden turn. You're unprepared, you're alone and you're vulnerable.
The pain came sporadically and, like a ghost, it would disappear again without a trace. I thought I was going crazy. The doctors seemed to think so too. They first diagnosed me with X, then with Y and then with....
It seemed they were at a loss for words too.
Lying there in my hospital bed, my mind was alive but my body felt lifeless. I closed my eyes and let my ears wander, observing everything in the room around me. The constant beeping of the machines, the slow ticking of the clocks and the soft breathing of the sleeping Stephen who sat beside me. In that moment, I realised something. Life is totally out my control. Regardless of whether I was sick or not, those machines would continue to beep, the clock would continue to tick and Stephen's breaths would continue to flow out of him so smoothly like they always do.
But while life is out of my control. I know someone who does have control, someone who can heal me and love me and take care of me even when I cant. And so I prayed that night. It was all I could do. Sometimes, it is all anyone can do in life. I cast my fears and my worries onto Him and I put my trust in knowing that He would know what to do and how to heal me.
Several days later, after much struggle, I am here writing this to you. I feel better, I can breathe easy, I can eat solid foods, I can walk without keeling over. I still don't know what was/is wrong with me. The results come in tomorrow. For now though, I can rest easy knowing that life is out of my hands and that I can stop worrying about having to control and manipulate it into something I think is good for me.
I've sadly learnt the hard way that life isn't something that we own. Life is something we are given and something we share with others. After the week I've had, I want to learn how to share this life with the people around me and enjoy it with them. Life can change so suddenly and take a twisted turn, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. Either way, we should learn to be still and to be grateful, and if we can't be grateful for what we have then, at least, be thankful for what we've escaped.
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still"