Wednesday 13 August 2014

You are loved.

Someone is back from their trip to New Zealand! Did you miss me?

I certainly missed you and I can't wait to tell you all about it.

Coming back home after a week away was something I was weirdly looking forward to. There is something about the familiarity of home that I love so much; my warm and messy bed, the fly away cat hairs on my pillow, the coffee cup stains on my night stand.

But what I experienced was a little bit too familiar. I came home to parents suffering from sickness, to a boyfriend who was going through troubles at work, to my own personal workload that constantly overwhelms me, to a room that was as messy as I left it, to a life I forgot was sometimes troublesome.

I don't know why but I thought that going away for a week would make things at home do a 180 degree turn. I thought that if I went away for a week and got that break, then everything back at home would too. I didn't properly prepare myself for the initial shock that nothing really changes, that life goes on.

Yesterday we lost one of my favourite actors to an illness I sadly know too well. I haven't found the words to write about it all yet, but when I do I want to share it with you because this issue, this sad issue, is something that I don't think is spoken about enough and if it is I feel many do not really understand the severity of the situation.

I pray for all those living in that terrible place. I pray that others will understand how dark those walls can be and that opening a window sometimes won't let light through. I pray that this world, in all its darkness, can work together to help each other turn on the lights. I pray we can support one another and speak up, ask questions or just listen to those in need. Sometimes all it takes is to ask someone how they are to make a difference.

I don't have the words right now and I'm sorry for that. There is a post I've been trying to write for quite some time but this delicate issue is so tricky to talk about and I don't want to share until I'm ready.

I am excited to be home and excited to talk to you all again. You have become a group of people that I love so much and I look forward to hearing from. You have helped me more than you can ever know. Sometimes, I suppose, it is good that not everything changes.

So thank you.

And if you are ever wondering, just remember that you are loved. You truly are.


  1. What a lovely post, and oh so relatable. Certainly relatable. I know the struggle of falling back into reality after a break all too well. I hope all your home issues work out, and you find the courage to share your stories when you're totally comfortable. Charly Cox over at shared hers recently, you should have a read. :)

  2. You're back :) Glad your break was lovely and despite home life not doing the 180 spin it's awesome to be able to pin point your thoughts, I think that always helps. I'm definitely a advocate about helping those with mental illness and making sure it's seen on the same severity as other physical illnesses. I think we've already made big strides in the last ten years but also many more to come!

  3. We've definitely missed you - I really like your blog. And I know exactly how you feel about that weird feeling of coming home to exactly no change, and having to deal with the same problems you left behind when you were away. It's a funny old life. Depression is so difficult to deal with, and so widely misunderstood. Seeing how the media have reported this has made me very miserable indeed. I hope you feel better soon my dear! x

    Owl Girl

  4. I admire you for coming forward and sharing even a little bit. I really relate, it's something I've also dealt with and have been hesitant to say anything about it to anyone (outside family) because of how misunderstood and really, personal it seems to be. But just know you're not alone, and I admire you for saying something about it.

  5. I love this post. So beautiful. I too get that feeling whenever I am away, then come home. It's like you had a good time on vacation, and you expect everything to stay good everywhere you go. I too have been wanting to write a post about depression too. It is tricky, I look forward to reading your post.

  6. I missed you Sam! <3
    Life really doesn't stop, as much as we might wish it could just pause for a moment so we could get ourselves sorted out. I hope that your holiday has left you refreshed, even if your life hasn't changed, hopefully you have. Even though you have just touched on depression, everything that you have said has been so true, so have faith that whatever you write will be good.

  7. I feel them feels.

    I always feel like if I go away for a while, even if it's just for a night, when I come back, everything will be fine. I'm wrong almost always. But the point is if you feel refreshed, you have a positive outlook and that's what counts, I feel.

    And it's okay to be stressed, for sure. Hey, that's life. But it's a fun journey. :)

    I am also devastated about the loss - surely we're talking about the same person - such a great person. Great actor, great comedian. Apologies if we're not talking about the same person here x

    1. We are talking about the same person. His death really hit home to me. Thanks for your encouragement Jes - miss you! x

  8. Definitely agree with you. Coming home from a holiday is always more than just missing the holiday, it's returning to the bad, not just the good. Guess that's why they call it post-holiday 'depression'.

  9. I can't imagine... some people leave our sides too soon, and it's such a helpless feeling unable to stop them..
    I missed you Sam so so much and you are loved by me :)

  10. that was beautiful as always. you are loved back.

  11. I always love hearing from you, your posts warm my heart! You are loved dearly :)

  12. Sam, I have certainly missed you. I feel very similar about Robin Williams, I am inexplicably sad about his death and don't know how to put it into words how I feel about the media, and depression. It's hard.

    I love you, and I often think of you and hope you're well.
    Thank you for sharing what you have, for sharing your creative self with us at all. It's a gift :) xx

  13. I'm proud of you for getting this post out. I feel a similar way about it. I am so, so glad that depression is being talked about in the way that it is at the moment - I feel the most hopeful about acceptance and understanding of this horrible illness being taken seriously, more hopeful than I have at any point before. It is beyond a tragedy to have lost Mr Williams who made us all laugh so, but I suppose the silver lining, if you can call it that, to a devastating chapter in his life is the discussion that has come out of it. x


Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.