Hello beautiful blog.
I've really missed writing to you.
I was meant to have a meeting this morning but it was cancelled last minute and although there is other work I could be doing I felt drawn into writing this letter to you.
I've never been much of a 'Dear Diary' kind of person but today feels different and it's been so long that I've written for you that I feel like I need to write to you to mend all the broken planks in the bridge between you and me.
The last few months have been rather busy for me. I went to New Zealand (as you know) and had the most memorable time of my life but upon coming home I was hit with a hurricane of work, decisions, anxiety and confusion. My photography work increased and my business needed me to reprioritise how I spend my time. I was booking more weddings and taking on more side jobs here and there. Things were going really well and I although I didn't see you much I knew our time apart would only be short lived while I sorted myself out.
Turns out I was wrong about that.
You'll be happy to know though that I finally quit my day job (!!). I'm now a full-time creative. I'm running my own business, doing freelance work on the side and enjoying a little bit of extra time. But to be honest with you it scares the **** out of me. It's my second week as a freelance creative and I'm doing little jobs all over the place and I have no clue where my time goes. Shooting, editing, social media planning, writing - it's all a flurry and the planner in my brain is going mental. It's all good news though, I know that. I needed to leave my job and focus on my business. It was a decision that needed to be made eventually and while ripping off the bandaid was hard, I am so glad I did it.
People have been so kind too. They've been so supportive and generous and loving. But a part of me feels like I don't deserve the praise they give me. I'm not that special am I? I also feel like they don't see the internal struggles I go through with the decision I've made. I no longer have stability and with that I've lost a little bit of hope for myself, and without hope I feel blind when I set out on my journey each day.
I guess my decision to be a full time creative has opened me up to all my vulnerabilities. They are laying flat out on the table so whenever I wake up there they are looking up at me, taunting me, lying to me. They tell me I'm not good enough, that the other photographer who is younger than me is doing far better than I ever did at that age, that this other photographer is being more creative than me, that my work isn't as good as it used to be, that I'm not pushing myself or problem solving enough or living up to my potential. Sometimes I scream and tell them to shut up. Sometimes I let them talk and I soak it all in.
Part of what they say is true though. I haven't felt as creative as I used to. I haven't felt as inspired and motivated and determined...
and I think part of the reason for that is you.
Now before you go telling me off for shifting the blame of my problems on you, hear me out. Blogging was something I loved. It was the thing I could come home to after a long days work and not have to feel like I was working. You were my release, my friend, my love. You were the place where I expressed myself and let my creative juices flow out of me. You gave my life colour. Lately though, after a long day of shooting or editing, the last thing I want to do is come home to a computer screen and look at more photos. My head is tired and my body is sore and, although I missed you terribly, I couldn't bring myself to write.
I tried a couple of times but I could barely get out a couple of sentences. It was a struggle and I felt like I had betrayed you.
But here I am now in hopes I can regain my strength. I've already written so much to you and even though it may not make sense to you or anyone else reading this, I don't really care because this is a victory for me.
I want to feel like a creative again rather than just calling myself one. I want to be creating new and exciting things rather than just copying what I've done in the past. I want to feel new and alive each day. I want to go out into the world excited and inspired.
And I want you to be there with me, my friend, my love.
You inspire me. You help me achieve greatness. You are my drug, my release, my cure.
So please forgive my recent absence. I am here now and I hope you know you were never forgotten